I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
