I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
