Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
