Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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