The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
