Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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