If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
