you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
