sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
