just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
