Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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