I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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