dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
