How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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