The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
