Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
