Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
