She said her name was "party"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
