he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
