Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
