not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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