there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
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