The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
