if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
