why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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