Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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