Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
