cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
