i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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