i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
