Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
