Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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