hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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