Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Is Oprah even human
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
