Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
