i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
