Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
