Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
