I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he was CRYING into my vagina
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
