My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
