you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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