She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
