you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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