what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
