i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
