New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
