Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
