Girls should come with a carfax report
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
