Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
