So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
