Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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