There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
