Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm gonna fight the coyote
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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